如何正常和另一个世界的怪诞

Today’s “music” is a little unusual. This audio file, which runs for more than four hours, was actually created using Slow-Scan Television (SSTV) technology to convert images into audio signals. The images themselves contain the complete transcript of my interview with Yu, generated from the original interview recordings using the Whisper speech-to-text model. If you’re interested, you can download the audio and decode it using the Python SSTV decoder I uploaded to GitHub, which was written by ChatGPT. Because of the technical limitations of the SSTV mode I used, each image can only be transmitted at a resolution of 640 × 496 pixels. The full interview transcript contains around 40,000 Chinese characters, so I divided it into 60 images, converted those images into 60 separate SSTV audio signals, and then concatenated them into this single audio file lasting more than four hours. Since there apparently aren’t many people online crazy enough to generate an SSTV transmission this long, I also used ChatGPT to create a Python script specifically for decoding extremely long SSTV recordings at speeds of up to 50× real time. For more information, see the GitHub repository:https://github.com/ABoringBlog/PD120-SSTV-DecoderYou can open the Releases section and download the EXE file to run the decoder directly.

Dear my English readers: This is the first time i write a blog about some questions for someone by having an "interview". Honestly, i have no experience on it, and my interview has no theme or any clear title, so the whole things is totally random daily dailogues. And the titile of this blog is actually the titile of an Austria film that i watched a few months ago, i think the main plog of the movie is quite simular to Yu's life, that why i simply copied the movie's titile to my blog, althoug there aren't too many connections between our interview and the movie plot.
By the way, i think it's quite important to introduce the person i had this interview with, who is Yu, i call him Yu in this blog, but Yu is not his real name, we just use Yu to refer him, then we can know who was speaking. We met each other at Mackenzie Health, the mental health department there, it's actually called psychological department in China, cearly that Canada hospitals use more respectful name for this department. Anyway, i had 6 days of peaceful and happy time with him at the hospital. After i got discharged from there, i wanted to know more stories about him, that's why we have this interview here.
Yu came to Canada when he was around 3, so he can talk to me in Chinese, but he can't read or wirte Chinese, that's why we have two versions of text here. I will put the English translation after every paragraph, but the question is that my englihs level is high enough to translate all the things by my self, in order to keep the accuracy of the translation, all the following english translations are all generated by ChatGPT basing on my Chinese text.(NOT YET AI, i wrote this part by myself) Here are my transcription in my own tone according to the result of this interview:

At Mackenzie Health

I was taken to the hospital because of a car accident. At the time, I was riding my bicycle in Stouffville. I really liked cycling there because the area is full of hills, which made it a better workout for my lung capacity. I smoked, and I used to smoke marijuana and vape as well. Now I only smoke one or two cigarettes occasionally, and I have quit marijuana.
Going back to what happened that day, I was riding along the shoulder of the road, outside the white line next to the traffic lane. I had just come down a large hill, and because there was a slight problem with my rear tire, I applied the brakes a little to control my speed. When I started going uphill again, it was around six or seven in the evening and the sun was already beginning to set. I turned on the light behind my bicycle seat so drivers on the road could see me and would not hit me.
All I remember is that I was riding when suddenly there was a loud bang. My rear tire blew out. Because I was already moving forward, inertia kept carrying me ahead, and then a car struck me on my left side. My whole body and the bicycle were thrown to the right. The bicycle slammed into the roadside barrier, and I was thrown off.
I lost consciousness for a few minutes. When I became aware again, I found myself with my head against the ground and my backside in the air. I got up and realized that my phone was gone and that the rear wheel hub of my bicycle had been crushed inward. By then I was already somewhat confused and not thinking clearly. I put the damaged bicycle over my shoulder and spent almost two hours making my way home.
When I got home, I turned the bicycle upside down in the middle of the living room and sat on the couch trying to repair it. I worked on it for several hours. At around one in the morning, my mother woke up and asked me why I was still awake messing around with the bicycle. All I really knew was that my head hurt badly. She told me to go to sleep, so I did.
When I woke up, it was a little after six. My head still hurt badly, and I threw up in the bathroom. A couple of minutes later I thought I was fine, so I went out for my morning run. Looking back, though, I was already very disoriented. I did not even change my shoes—I went running in a pair of Crocs.
I probably ran for about twenty minutes. Then everything in front of me suddenly went black and I completely lost consciousness. Everything that happened afterward is something I learned from the police.
According to them, while I was unconscious or severely confused, I climbed over two walls. I first jumped into my neighbor’s backyard, then climbed over another wall into a school behind the house. From there, I climbed up the school’s drainage pipes all the way to the roof, where I passed out.
When I woke up, it felt as though I had simply fallen asleep and suddenly found myself on the roof of a school. I saw my neighbor and asked whether he should call the police. He probably thought I was trying to kill myself. Eventually the police arrived, followed by paramedics. They brought a ladder and got me down.
After examining me, they told me I had a serious concussion and was dehydrated. After drinking two bottles of water, I was taken to the hospital by ambulance.
The reason I had been training on my bicycle in the first place was because I wanted to ride all the way to Texas one day to see one of my friends. My friend had a motorcycle. On the same day as my accident, he had also gone out riding and was involved in an accident himself, at almost the same time as mine.
I felt as though I could sense his pain. I do not know why, but I sent him a message. He did not reply, and I immediately felt that something must have happened to him.
Later, I woke up again in the hospital. I still was not thinking clearly, and the first thing I wanted to do was go see my friend. My phone had been taken away, so I could not see his messages. I only found out later that he had also been taken to the hospital and had undergone surgery for several days.
But at the time I knew none of that. I was completely focused on leaving to see him. I ripped off the ECG electrodes that the nurses had attached to me and pulled the IV catheter out of my arm.
A police officer and a security guard were watching me. When they saw what I was doing, they tried to stop me from leaving and began pushing me back down, telling me to sit. I do not like being touched, so I told them, “If you touch me again, I’m going to swing at you.”
But they kept pushing me, so I started fighting them. More police officers and security guards eventually came in. They forced me down onto the bed and restrained all four of my limbs with restraint straps.
Looking back now, my mental state was clearly abnormal at the time. The reason I resisted so violently was that I genuinely believed they were trying to kill me.
Even after being restrained, I pulled both of my thumbs out of joint and physically tore through the restraints around my hands and feet. But the room itself was locked, so I still could not get out. They would not even let me leave the room to use the bathroom, so I had to urinate into a large paper drinking cup.
My mental state was still extremely unstable. Before long, I completely forgot that I was in a hospital emergency department. I started believing that I was being held inside some kind of government facility.
So I sat there reciting different chants. Because my mother is Buddhist, I began reciting Buddhist scriptures, and I also prayed to God.
Another day passed before they finally allowed me out to use the bathroom. By then, my mental state had become somewhat more stable. I apologized to the security guards and police officers whom I had attacked.
After that, the nurses transferred me from the emergency department to the psychiatric ward upstairs.
Once I arrived in the psychiatric ward, I began sleeping. I slept for around twelve hours. During that dream, I saw God. I went to hell, and an angel pulled me out of hell.
{Editor’s note: There is a part of the story here that Yu did not want to be made public, so I have removed that section. The account resumes with the doctors evaluating Yu.}
Later, doctors came to evaluate me. At the time, I was irritable, I could barely remember who I was, and I did not know who my parents were. They told me that I had bipolar disorder, that it could cause irritability, and they prescribed medication to treat it.
In fact, I had not previously had bipolar disorder, although I had already been diagnosed with an affective disorder. I think the bipolar disorder may have developed after the serious trauma to my brain from the accident.
Before the accident, I had already been diagnosed with an affective disorder. I had difficulty feeling emotions and emotional attachment. Medication has helped me control it, and things are much better now.
But my difficulty feeling emotions seems to be something I was born with. Ever since I was a child, I have experienced very few emotions. I can only really feel a limited number of them, although personally I do not feel that this has caused me much difficulty.
That may also be connected to what happened when I was born. I had bleeding in my brain at birth, and doctors thought that I might develop an intellectual disability or some other form of disability. My mother spent a great deal of money on rehabilitation for me. I was extremely fortunate, and today I do not have any disability.
I also had a twin brother. According to what I was told, his condition was even worse than mine. Doctors had planned around thirteen surgeries for him. I do not know exactly which surgery it was, but eventually he did not survive and passed away.
Going back to the main story, I stayed in the psychiatric ward for exactly one month. During the first two or three weeks, I was mainly recovering physically. That was also when I met you.
After the accident, my arm and hip had both been dislocated. The doctors put them back into place, and it took me about two or three weeks to recover physically.
After that, the psychiatrists adjusted my medication and prescribed lithium to help stabilize my mood. They observed me for another two weeks before finally discharging me from the hospital.

How to Be Normal

Q: How do you define “normal”?

{Yu’s answer}:
Normal means not displaying any strange or abnormal behavior. You don’t move around randomly, you don’t attack other people for no reason, and you don’t have uncontrollable tremors or twitching. That’s what I would consider normal.

Q: What you described seems to be mostly physical. How would you define being “normal” mentally?

{Yu’s answer}:
What counts as mentally normal is different for everyone. What seems normal to me may not seem normal to you, and none of us really has the authority to judge whether another person is normal or not. All we can really say is in what ways we are similar.
For example, you and I are both Chinese, and our ways of thinking are quite similar. So from my perspective, you seem normal. But if a white person were sitting here with us, then the way he thinks might seem abnormal to us.
In the physical world, we can observe and tell who is normal and who is not. But mentally, everyone has their own standards of judgment, and everyone has their own individuality.

Q: Do you think it’s necessary to have a clear sense of who you are?

{Yu’s answer}:
Yes, I do. In your own world, whatever you believe to be true is what is true for you. The things that fall within the scope of your understanding are for you to decide. The things outside that scope are not for you to decide, right?
So in that sense, there is no need to be depressed either. Some people suffer from depression. I’ve been depressed myself, so I know what depression feels like. If you’ve never been depressed, then you wouldn’t know what that feeling is. In other words, it lies outside the scope of your own experience.
There are so many different ideas and ways of thinking mixing together in society. If you can’t find your true self, if you don’t have a clear understanding of who you are, you’re going to feel lost. Take a person and strip away all the physical things—their age, their appearance, and so on. How would anyone else know who they are? And how would they know who they themselves are? That’s what life is about. Life is about finding out who you are.
I know who I am because I’ve found myself. I love God, I love fencing, and I love sports. That’s who I am. I know who I am. If you don’t know who you are, then you should go find out for yourself. Don’t fucking sit inside your own little world watching other people live their lives.
You’re alive right now, so go out and find your own life. That’s the way I think.
I don’t know why other people become depressed. I’ve been depressed myself, but I climbed out of that abyss on my own. A person has to climb their own way back up. You have to have that backbone, that determination. Without it, how are you supposed to know who you are? If a person doesn’t even have that fighting spirit, then what do they have?

Q: How do you view life? How would you describe it?

{Yu’s answer}:
Life is a state. Death is another state—the point at which life comes to an end.
What are we alive for? What are animals here to do? To reproduce and carry on the species. And in the process of doing that, you find out who you really are. That’s basically it. There’s nothing more to it.
Life is about finding out who you are, then reproducing, raising the next generation well, and eventually leaving this world.

Q: Then aside from reproduction and carrying on the species, how do you view those “meaningless” things in life?

{Yu’s answer}:
How long can we live? I mean, under normal circumstances—if we don’t have any serious illnesses or major disasters—let’s say seventy-five or eighty years.
We measure life in years. What do you do year after year, right? You can also measure it day by day, week by week, or month by month. But if you measure your life second by second, you’ll drive yourself into depression.
Don’t constantly think about what you have to do today and what you have to do tomorrow. Don’t force yourself to be a certain way today and another way tomorrow. You should look at your whole life in terms of a long-term goal. You can have short-term goals or aspirations every day, but aspirations are one thing and actually doing the work is another. They’re two different things.
But if I enjoy watering flowers, then I’ll go water a flower. It makes me happy. If something makes me happy, why wouldn’t I do it?
If there’s a reason for doing something and it leads to something, then just do it. You can also do things that have no real meaning. Everyone does meaningless things. For example, looking at your phone, scrolling through Douyin, and things like that—aren’t those meaningless? But if they make you happy, then doesn’t that give them meaning?
Of course, if I spent every day staring at my phone, stopped eating, and eventually starved to death, then that wouldn’t be okay. That would be something completely different, right?

Q: Using the example you just gave, if someone spends their whole life pursuing only that kind of happiness and dies without accomplishing any of the “meaningful things” you mentioned earlier, would you consider that a happy death?

{Yu’s answer}:
Think about it. If there’s nothing else he likes and the only thing he enjoys is looking at his phone, then yes, that would be a happy death for him.
That’s the only thing he likes. He loves it—he loves it so much that he can’t control himself anymore.
“Love” is a noun. People can’t really put into words what love feels like, but there is that feeling. So he loves it. I could say that he loves looking at his phone, that he loves scrolling on it. He keeps scrolling until his body can no longer sustain him, and then he’s gone—he dies. That’s how I see it.
If he goes to heaven, then he’ll still be able to look at his phone. He’ll be able to do it forever, right? But if he goes to hell, then he won’t be able to look at his phone anymore, and that would become his torment—eternal torment.

Q: How do you view death?

{Yu’s answer}:
I’ve seen Death before, because I’ve died before. Well, I guess you could say I died. Uh... sort of. It was when I got into that car accident.
Death is a dark figure, about six feet tall. He wears a black suit—an English-style black suit—and a gentleman’s hat. He also wears sunglasses. Behind the lenses are two red eyes. You can actually see his red eyes through the sunglasses because they glow with a red light.
Death is like an old friend. He loves you too, but his role is the opposite of Life’s. Life is here to create you, while Death is here to reap you. He tells you that your time has come. In Christian teaching, everyone has a Holy Spirit, which is your soul. Your soul and your body are not the same thing. Your body is simply a place for your soul to stay so that it can experience this life.
But Death might have a cigarette with you, or sit and talk with you for a while. Then he’ll tell you that your time has come. You take his hand, and you return to the way you looked as a child—to your innocent self, to who you were before your soul was tainted by this world.
He takes you by the hand and leads you away. Then you enter a black void. There is nothing there. You can’t feel anything. Everything becomes nothingness. Death guides you from this world into the next world, a world of nothingness, and then guides you either toward rebirth or down to hell to atone for your sins.
In that world, there is endless darkness. You can’t feel anything at all. It feels a little like falling through the air, but not exactly. There’s no discomfort and no sense of panic.

Q: As a Christian, do you believe that heaven and hell exist?

{Yu’s answer}:
I believe in them to some extent, but not completely, because what I saw was different.
I only died halfway—I didn’t die completely, right? So I only saw part of it. But I went to hell. Hell is real. Hell is real. Hell is real. I don’t know whether heaven is real. All I know is that hell is real, because I’ve been there.

Q: How do you view suicide?

{Yu’s answer}:
I’ve attempted suicide before, and I’ve had those kinds of thoughts too. Some people are pushed into a corner and feel that there is only one way out—suicide. They feel like they have no choice but to take that path.

Q: Do you think that when someone commits suicide, death can bring a sense of relief?

{Yu’s answer}:
Being alive—who doesn’t suffer while they’re alive? I’ve come to realize that everyone suffers in some way.
But Death is like an old friend. He can help me escape the pain, escape all of this... Yet these sufferings are part of what life has given me, so in the truest sense, Death can’t really free me from them. Pain is rooted in the soul. There’s no way to escape it.

Q: As a Christian, do you consider suicide a sin?

{Yu’s answer}:
Your body is given to you by your mother. Just like the Virgin Mary—she gave Jesus his body, and Jesus died for us and took away our original sin. The bodies that the Virgin Mary, and all other women, give to their children are living beings.
If you believe in Jesus, Jehovah, and God, then you will have the Holy Spirit, and the Holy Spirit will protect you. But once you commit suicide, you are... desecrating your own body, desecrating your spirit, desecrating yourself, and even your sense of self. Basically, you’re ruining all of it.

Q: Would you ever attempt suicide again? And if you did, would you feel that you had taken on a kind of religious guilt or sin?

{Yu’s answer}:
First of all, I would never attempt suicide again. I love my life, and I love everyone. I try to love everyone, like Jesus did. He is my role model. I love Jesus, and I praise Jesus.
But I will never try to kill myself again. I had those problems before, but I dealt with them myself. When you have a problem, you have to solve it.
I understand that very clearly. I solved the problem, so now it’s in the past. A lot of people are like that. People who attempt suicide and survive often don’t want to try again afterward, right?
When Jesus died, he took away all of our original sin.

Q: Do you think that living in this world and enduring all this suffering is also a kind of punishment for sin?

{Yu’s answer}:
This is just the way I see it. I think our world is like mathematics—it’s a three-dimensional world. And just as original sin already exists in this world, both you and I will sin, no matter how small the sin may be. Our Father—God—will forgive us. But we will still sin. That is human nature.
When Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit, humanity acquired original sin. Human beings were born into it, because they did not know the difference between good and evil. If you cannot distinguish good from evil, then you cannot distinguish what sin is either.
Today, we as human beings can tell the difference between good and evil. But we are now living in an age of decline, and there are more bad things in the world. In the world we live in today, committing sins has become more common than doing good. In another five to seven years, the Earth’s magnetic field will improve a little, and the world will become a little better.
I believe the world will get better. That is my ideal of striving toward goodness. So every day, I choose to do good. I still commit sins, but when I get up in the morning, my choice is to do good.
Actually, regardless of religion—whether I believe in something or not—this is simply what I personally think.
If you want to believe, then believe. If you don’t, then don’t. There’s no need to force anyone. Some people will say, “Oh, you won’t go to heaven. You’re going to hell.” I don’t give a damn about your hell. I’m living my life in this world.
I don’t know what the next world will be like. If I really do stand before God one day, I’ll say, “God, I love you. I believe in you. But I don’t believe in the kind of God that they believe in.”
The God I believe in is the pure and innocent God that exists in my heart.
I used to have no religious faith at all. But then I wanted to believe in Jesus. So I went to my godmother’s church, and through baptism, I became a real Christian—a true Christian. But Christianity, along with other denominations and religions, all have something in common: they encourage people to do good, to overcome hardship, and to break free from the things that hold them back, right?

The Oddness of the Other World

Q: Tell us your story.

{Yu’s answer}:
I was really mischievous as a kid. I also had ADHD and dyslexia.
Whenever I read something, I usually have to read it two or three times before I can understand it. But it was never a huge problem for me, because I had been that way for as long as I could remember. In my world, seeing letters flip around and move back and forth just felt normal.
I came to Canada when I was three or four. When I was about five or six, we moved to the area around Yonge and Elgin Mills in Toronto. I got along pretty well with the neighbors, but there was one problem—I couldn’t control my hands. If I wanted something, my hands would just reach out and take it on their own.
One day, I went over to a classmate’s house to play. I saw a stack of money sitting there, and my hand just went straight for it. I wasn’t even conscious of what I was doing. By the time I realized it, I had already left his house. I reached into my pocket and found two hundred dollars in there.
I was still really young, so by the time I got home, I had already forgotten about it. Later, when my mom was doing my laundry, she asked me where the money had come from. I froze. I didn’t want to tell her I had taken it from the neighbor’s house, so I told her I had found it on the street.
That night, my classmate’s mother, who was also our neighbor, came over. After she talked to my mom, my mom forced me to kneel on the floor and apologize to her, and then she beat me. As she was leaving, she said, “Why would you steal something?”
But at the time, I had done it unconsciously. I didn’t even really have a concept of stealing.
Something like that happened two or three more times afterward, and eventually my mom moved us away. By then, the neighbors all thought I was a thief. That was really bad. I tried to correct that habit too. That’s why, even now, I still find myself looking down at my hands from time to time.
After we moved, I started going to school. I had quite a few good friends, but there was also someone who bullied me.
I had dyslexia, but I didn’t know it at the time, so all my grades were really bad. Then, around grades seven and eight, classes moved online. There was basically no homework and nothing much to do. I was twelve or thirteen. My mom worked every day, and she and my dad had divorced, so I was left home alone all the time. I think that was when my emotional problems began.
I have schizophrenia. It’s like I’m split into two people—two people living inside one body.
Around fourth or fifth grade, I transferred to another French school. I was friends with a set of triplets there—two brothers and a sister. They were all older than me. They were born in 2007, but all of their birthdays were earlier than mine.
After that, I don’t remember things very clearly. My memory became blurry after the accident, so I can’t remember that period very well. I’ll skip ahead.
When I was around fifteen, I found a wizard online. I paid him a few hundred dollars to perform a ritual. He summoned the spirit of my dead younger brother and then put my brother’s spirit into my body. So from that point on, there were two people inside this body.
From then on, there were three voices in my head. I was split into two halves—one voice representing right, and one representing wrong—and then there was a secondary consciousness, which was my younger brother. He can see you. He can also talk to you through this body.
Later, when I started high school, I was doing online classes at first. My mom kept me in online school for another year and a half, so most of grade nine was online for me.
Then, in the second semester, I started going to school in person and made quite a few good friends.
When I was in grade ten, one of my classmates brought a pen onto the school bus—a weed pen.{Editor’s note: A cannabis vape pen, an electronic cigarette-like device used to inhale cannabis oil.}
Fuck, the two of us were hitting it right there. At first, I couldn’t feel anything, so I took another couple of hits. And then—holy shit—I got insanely high for the first time. Completely fucking high, right there in the classroom. But I was sitting in the back, so the teacher didn’t notice.
Seriously, fuck.
After that, I really started liking weed, because marijuana made those two voices in my head go quiet. It slowed me down. I have ADHD, so normally everything in my head is moving really fast all the time.

Q: Do you like that kind of quiet?

{Yu’s answer}:
It’s all right. They can be quiet now, or they can be noisy. I can control them now.
It’s because my brain was injured before and there was some bleeding inside, so the part of my brain related to emotions got even worse.

Q: In your mind, there are two voices—one representing what is right and one representing what is wrong—as well as your younger brother’s spirit. In your daily life, do you ever feel that something is strange or unusual, or that there are things you have trouble adjusting to?

{Yu’s answer}:
Yes. I sometimes get this strange feeling, like something is wrong. I can sense that something isn’t right, but I can’t explain exactly what it is. It’s just this constant feeling in my mind that something seems off.

Q: Do you think that this strange feeling is itself something unusual?

{Yu’s answer}:
No, it feels pretty normal to me. I’ve always lived like this, so I’m used to it.
When I was younger, I used to get into fights a lot, so I got pretty good at fighting. I also learned Muay Thai and boxing. When I was in school, around the end of grade nine or the beginning of grade ten, there was this guy who kept bullying me, so I got into a fight with him. Fuck, I beat the shit out of him. I honestly didn’t expect someone our age to actually want to fight me—he was the same age as me. But yeah, I beat the shit out of him.
Going back to my high school years, that period of my life was anything but uneventful. When I was fifteen, I was a competitive fencer. I went to Vancouver for a tournament and made it into the top 32 in Canada in the under-15 category. That was my first competition, and I had only been fencing for about a year.
The only problem was that near the end of grade ten, around December, I went skiing. I was doing a flip and I don’t know what I hit, but my ski cut into my arm.
Three tendons were severed. I couldn’t fence anymore, and I couldn’t play the piano anymore. I used to play piano, fence, do Muay Thai and things like that. I could swim, skate—I had basically played every kind of sport. And then suddenly I became like this. I couldn’t do anything.
Think about it. I went from being ranked in the top 32 in fencing to not even being able to wipe my own ass.
Fuck. At that point, didn’t that basically mean I was finished?
I felt like my whole life was ruined. That was when I became depressed. I could barely even get out of bed. I didn’t want to go to the bathroom. I didn’t want to eat. I would just lie there every day.
My mom told me to see a doctor. The doctor said, “You’re having emotional problems. You have depression. Let’s keep an eye on it for now.”
The skiing accident may also have injured my brain. From that point on, I started feeling fewer emotions. Then the second time was this recent car accident. After that, I basically stopped being able to feel much emotion at all.

Q: What medication did you start taking?

{Yu’s answer}:
Just antidepressants. I was taking handfuls of them at a time.
Around then, I also started smoking weed, and weed made me happier. I would go downtown with my classmates and smoke. Then I met a girl, and we started dating. It didn’t last very long, though. I found out that she was depressed too, so I told her, “I need to heal myself first. If I haven’t even healed myself, how am I supposed to heal you?” So we ended things peacefully.
That’s just how life goes. It wasn’t a huge deal, because at the time I didn’t even know what kind of person I was myself. I guess that relationship counted as my first love. But I couldn’t really feel love, you know? Back then, I couldn’t feel love. I couldn’t feel hate either. Now, under the effects of medication, there are basically only two emotions I can still feel strongly—love and hate. Those are the ones I’m most sensitive to. Most other emotions, I can barely feel at all.
Then I started grade eleven. I was in the IB program, and IB was extremely competitive. Because I was dealing with depression at the time, I couldn’t keep up. That made me feel even more like I was a fucking idiot, like I was useless at everything. I couldn’t even play video games well anymore.
I couldn’t enjoy myself properly, and I couldn’t study properly either. I felt like I was completely useless. So I started spiraling downward. By around the middle of grade eleven, I had nothing to do, and I started smoking weed again. I do have an addiction to marijuana—once I start smoking, I don’t stop.
So I smoked more and more, and then even more. By the end of grade eleven, I smoked so much that I ended up in the hospital. I basically smoked myself into the hospital. One reason was that I had used too much marijuana, and the other was that my schizophrenia had gotten much worse.
During that period, because I was smoking so much weed, my second personality took over my body and became the dominant personality. Later, while I was in the hospital, I started taking medication regularly and systematically. The situation gradually improved until my primary personality came back and took control again.
After I was discharged, my classmates stopped talking to me. They thought I was strange.

Q: How do you view loneliness?

{Yu’s answer}:
Loneliness pushes you to climb higher.
At the time, I was depressed. There was no one there to guide me through it, no one to talk to, and I didn’t have any friends anymore.
I missed my old friends, but I couldn’t find them either. We had been too young back then, so I didn’t have their contact information. That made me even more depressed. My grades started falling, and I didn’t get into university.
At that point, I gritted my teeth and made up my mind to repeat the year.
So this year, I started over, and I’ve been getting almost all A’s.
I even teach math now. The first time I was in grade twelve, I didn’t even pass math. Think about that. Loneliness can make you start your life over. It really can.
And this year, I also got along really well with the next group of students—the kids born in 2008. We all ended up going off to university together, right?
So if there’s no other road left and the only path in front of you feels like a dead end, you still have to keep walking down that road. You can’t run away from it. The more you avoid it, the more painful it becomes.
I avoided it for two years. It was incredibly painful. But once I stopped running away and faced it—piece of cake.

Q: What do you think helped you overcome that depression?

{Yu’s answer}:
It was my own consciousness—the way I saw myself.
You have to change your own behavior and the way you see yourself. Who are you? It comes back to that same question: who are you?
You have to break yourself down, kill off your old self, and replace it with a new version of yourself—a new skin, a new face. Recreate yourself as the person you want to become.
Don’t keep sinking into that state and turn into someone you never wanted to be.

Q: Do you think the medication you’re taking now is helping you?

{Yu’s answer}:
Right now, they’re basically just giving me medication to stabilize my mood, to keep my emotions normal. So yeah, I guess it’s supposed to make me normal.
But I don’t have any emotions anyway. Normal, my ass.

Love

Q: What do you think about love?

{Yu's answer}:
I don't really feel anything about it.
Maybe it's something that makes you feel happy, warm, and joyful. Maybe, to some extent, it's also a kind of impulse.

Q: Do you long for love?

{Yu's answer}:
No. I love myself, and God loves me, so why would I still long for love?
If love comes along, that's fine. But if it doesn't, that's fine too. Just wait. The best things come last, right? The best things come last. Wait for the end.

Q: What do you think about sex?

{Yu's answer}:
If you have a dick, you're a man; if you don't, you're a woman. It's that simple.
If you think homosexuality is okay, that's your choice. That's who you are, not me.

Q: Do you think sex should be based on love?

{Yu's answer}:
Yes.

Q: What do you think about people who choose to be promiscuous?

{Yu's answer}:
That's their choice. They're disrespecting their own nerves—that's their problem, their choice. It's not my choice. It's a sin against themselves.
We all want lasting love, so why are you still fooling around? Isn't that disrespecting your own goal? Isn't that disrespecting yourself?

At the End

Q: Looks like it didn’t record just now, so I’ll have to ask you again.

{Yu's answer}:
Okay.

Q: Sum up your past eighteen years in one sentence.

{Yu's answer}:
Death is rebirth.

Q: I already asked you this once. Is your answer still the same this time?

{Yu's answer}:
Yes.

Q: Then what would you like to say to yourself?

{Yu's answer}:
Don’t die again.

Q: Would you like to say something to the readers of the blog I’m writing? What would you like to say?

{Yu's answer}:
God loves you, and God will not give up on you.
If even God won’t give up on you, why would you give up on yourself, right?
Never give up. If you try once and it doesn’t work, try a hundred times. If a hundred times still doesn’t work, try a thousand times, right? If God won’t give up on you, why would you give up on yourself?

Editor’s Closing Remarks

Till now, i have already finished recording all the texts from my interview with Yu. According to Yu's ideas, i have no position to judge, especially about his religion belive or anything simular. So the only goal of this blog is recording——record only base on what he said, no changes. I hope i really did what goaled. (I wrote this paragraph by myself, not AI)